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Tired and achy. That’s how I felt when I awoke this morning. A sensation I haven’t felt in a long time, in fact. I yawned, and stretched thereafter, pulling myself up from my mattress beforehand. I looked around with my tired eyes, before shaking my head and slapping my cheeks lightly. I checked the alarm next to me. “Ah, 7AM. Slept in a little bit…” I muttered aloud, promptly sliding myself to the side of bed. I stretched my back like I were a seal, before standing upwards. I flexed my fingers and cracked my knuckles, before popping other joints, shaking it all off quickly. I stared at my bed, then my room, I put my hand on my neck in mild shame and sighed.
I picked up my blankets, laying them out swiftly, before fixing my pillows and pulling the corners of the blankets. I looked around at my desk and night stand, they were as tidy as ever, and so was my laundry and clothing, it was just… the dust. There was dust on my ceiling fan, dust on my bookshelf, I shook my head. I needed to fix that right away after a shower. I walked over to the bathroom, it was a still sight, relatively messy thanks to the fact it's a shared space. I took it upon myself to straighten anything out of place, like the rug and bottles. I looked at the mirror and cringed a little… filthy. This entire place needs cleaning I’m guessing.
I took off my shorts and T-shirt, placing them in the shared hamper that had a concerning lack of mixed dirty clothes in it, like always, then took off my boxer briefs and dropped them inside, turning the shower onto the cold setting and hopping in. It’s one of my days off today, a Saturday. There’s a lot I could do to fill up the day, but first and foremost I needed to clean up the apartment. From there, I could pick up breakfast and coffee at my favorite local shop and head to the gym… I have an essay to get done, it’s due in a week and I haven’t started, so I need time later tonight for that… I also should call my parents at some time. Hm.
I pulled the shower curtain and turned off the water, stepping out onto the rug in front of me and grabbing the towel, drying myself off. I took a look at myself in the filthed up mirror, and gave myself a smile. Today’s gonna be a good break from the rest of my busy week.
I walked out of the bathroom and looked over at the door near my room, sighing, before walking away from the general area. I headed back to my room, grabbing a blue button down I ironed the other day and dark gray slacks, tightly fastening a brown belt around my waist. I slid on black socks, before looking at the vanity mirror in my room. My hair. Jesus Christ. I stood up and walked over, grabbing a comb and got my hair straight. I could see the blonde streak in front of my eyes a bit, marking a haircut soon.
I was just about ready to exit this room, but made certain of something, in my closet marks a box of objects. I ritualistically check it, naturally, it’s my way of.. “asserting dominance” over it. So I did, I opened the closet door, then squatted down to the box, and then opened the lid. I stared down at the contents within it, and scoffed. This is where the dust in this room belonged. In here. Covering that demonic box of nicotine and magazines. “... Filth.” I muttered, instinctually. I’ve made a habit of muttering this, before I disrespectfully placed the lid back on, and slid the closet door shut. I then immediately went to the door, using my elbow to open it, and power walked to the kitchen sink. Using my elbow, again, to turn it on, I made the risky move of balling my hand into a fist to dispense soap into my hand and started cleaning my hands in the pristine sink below aggressively. I need to disinfect the sink after, obviously. Gross. Gross. Filth. I gagged. I can’t believe I used to touch those things once in my life without washing my hands.
I dried off my hands and went under the sink, grabbing disinfectant spray and other various cleaning products, then put on latex gloves like a doctor from a dramatic movie and got to work. I wiped down every surface, dealt with the laundry, and even went as far as to mop. I let out a pleased sigh, wondering if I should sweep; I thought about it for a little, before deciding against it. I’ve already done plenty here, my job here is done and it’s only 9AM.
I looked back at that room again, the one I always leave alone, and shook my head. Grabbing my keys and leaving. “Oversleeper.” I muttered. I soon made it out of the apartment, down the hall, down the elevator, exited the building, and made it towards my vehicle and got in, turning it on, checking my mirrors, then put on my seatbelt and got out of the parking space, driving off.
—————————————————————
It wasn’t long before I arrived at the place in question. I exited the car whistling, closing and locking it promptly and making my way down the sidewalk. I looked around with curiosity, seeing all the busy people striding to and from all sorts of places. I placed my hands in my pockets and walked confidently in the direction needed to make it to the building. I could smell all kinds of things, from urine to food, and I saw all kinds of people. From people clearly far from me, to others more comparable to my lifestyle, it was interesting. What a weird thing it is to be a creation of God… and not everybody even knows that. Unfortunate.
I made it inside the quaint little Cafe I always go to, and waited patiently in the line. I wonder if one of these days I should purchase a watch, my appearance as is, while masculine, could use a bit of work. My parents were always so specific about me, and I always obliged. It made sense to me, so I didn’t question it. Life is so much easier that way. It didn’t take long before it was my turn, and I smiled at the cashier in front of me, “The usual, Damien?” She said, smiling back without hesitation. “Gosh, you know me? I’m going to have to start heading to new places!” We both laughed, she imputed the order as I pulled out my wallet. Despite her being a new face at this store, we knew each other well by now, enough to have a small inside joke, yet it's only been a week. Not exactly surprising, I’ve always had a great habit of befriending people with ease.
I paid, and stepped out of the line giving her a small signal of my departure, waiting off to the side swinging back and forth on my heels to my toe tips. Briefly drifting off in thought before my name was called. I picked up my order and thanked the server, exiting the building towards an outside patio. I looked at the tables, picking the cleanest one and carefully placed my stuff down. I swirled around the hot cappuccino while slowly eating my plain bagel with cream cheese, chives, and peppered lox. What a place San Francisco was.
I was from this small, humble little town out in Wisconsin, so small in fact it was off the map. The most you’d ever see of the world away from it was the occasional road trip family or individual stopping by for some gas; but more commonly truckers. I grew up in a family of 5, Two parents, father and mother, of course, one twin brother, and a dog. A Saint Bernard, to be specific. It was such a tough battle of convincing to let my parents have me go off to college in a city out of state… but they wouldn’t hold me back, they raised me for this reason. They were worried, but not surprised. They were only surprised when I wanted to bring along my brother, actually. He hardly passed High School and was often ignored by just about everybody back at home, up until High School. For High School, the whole family moved away temporarily to a more populated area. I was well liked by adults, such as my teachers and even the school board, but alienated by the morons at school. Which was fine, except for the fact my brother was one of them.
Twins.
That's what we are, in appearance… no. Not even then; in genetics. But to anybody but a fool we’re nothing alike.
I took a long sip of my coffee, staring off with a furrowed brow. I only brought him here to be his savior, since I’d hate to be related to someone burning in Hell.
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I had made it back to my car safely, as always, and wiped down the handles with a sanitizing wipe, along with my hands. I got into the driver’s seat and turned on the car. This thing was always so beautiful, it was a gift from my parents. A Lincoln, actually. I wasn’t quite sure where we got the money to afford something so nice, but life is sweeter when you never question anything, anyway. It wasn’t long before I made it to the gym, exiting my vehicle and going into the back, grabbing my gym clothing inside of a gym bag and closing the door, whistling as I made my way to the entrance. I had my card out already and tapped it on the scanner while walking backward, waving to the receptionist with a smile as she waved back, and turned back around to get myself into the men’s changing room.
As I entered, I walked into a stall and undressed as carefully and specifically as possible, to of course avoid wrinkling even though I’m already going to be ironing these later. I slipped on shorts at knee level, putting on tennis shoes, and sliding on a sleeveless shirt that felt a bit tight to my body, carefully folding my regular wear and placing them into the bag. I zipped it, and exited the stall. A man showering over in the corner in his swim trunks took a look at me for a hot second, and gave me a weird smile. I smiled back, awkwardly, unsure what the point of that was. He signalled a “call me” hand gesture at me, and I cringed a little. “Uh, I’m male.” I said, still utterly confused. “Yeah? I know? This is the men’s changing room.” The guy said, seeming a tad bit bewildered. “... I’m not gay.” I narrowed my eyes a little. Saying awkwardly. “Oh, I see. Sorry, you just looked kinda… yeah.” He said, turning away embarrassed.
I scoffed while exiting the room. What in the name of God? Who assumes something so vile about somebody else? Something like that about me?? Liking other men? I grunted in annoyed disbelief, getting onto the treadmill and fiddling with the controls, exercising off my frustration. I haven’t experienced an assumption like that from ANYBODY except for people back in High School mockingly, and one single time from my parents! All because I haven’t been caught dating any women yet, and the single time I admired some guys in a magazine, but I know now that wasn’t me at all. I put that magazine in a box, and it's in my closet collecting dust as it should. There’s not a trace of demonic bullcrap on me, not anymore.
…
I calmed myself, releasing a deep sigh. I sound like him; Mikey, my brother. Whenever I get annoyed, angry even, I sound just like him. My parents hated this about me, I actually still remember the time we got separated for at least a month as kids because we both had similar outbursts. I clung back to him immediately after, however. My parents always told me he wasn’t actually meant to be on this planet. He was some kind of breach from Hell intended to take me down. But even though I honor thy parents, I always found that a bit silly, sure, he’s sinful, and he’s completely full of himself, but a demon? Surely not, he’s not smart enough to be deceiving. He’s my brother, and he’s just your average sinner.
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I entered my car again, it was now 12PM. I needed to get home to shower and call my parents, every Saturday at 1PM it was our calling time. I checked my phone, seeing all kinds of notifications, but focused on some from my ex, asking me to call her. I released an annoyed sigh and rang her, connecting the phone to my car while I pulled out. “Damien speaking.” I said cheerfully, “You don’t need to put on your work voice with me, y’know.” She sighed, having said this plenty of times already. “Well, you never know, what if it's somebody else using your phone? Someone who needs directions to the Sci-Fi section of the store?” I joked. I could hear her holding back an amused laugh. “Damien, this call is serious, can you not joke, please?” I sighed. “Alright, alright, what do you need?”
“I just wanted to check up on you, I saw on the news your apartment complex was under investigation for a murder?? What the hell happened??” She said with concern. “Oh, that. Yes, they found the severed head of a man seemingly tossed off the side of the 12th-15th floors.”
“What?? Who the fuck did that? Don’t you live on the 13th??” She said, shocked. “Don’t remind me.” I grumbled with annoyance, rolling my eyes.
“Damien.”
“I don’t know who did that, Kase, I wasn’t home when it happened. I was busy at the gym that night.” I sighed. “I mean, don’t you have any kind of suspicions? I heard they never found the culprit.”
“They did not, no. I have no suspicions. The less I’m in that building the better.”
“... I’m guessing you and your brother are still in a fight, then.” She said with concern. “You know how he is.” I sighed. “I don’t, actually. You never really talked about him. I don’t understand what’s so frustrating about him, Damien.” She said, with a bit of annoyance in her voice. “He’s just.. He’s him. He’s messy, he sleeps in late…” I said with a scowl on my face. “He smokes.” I said with disgust. “And?” Did she just say and? “What do you mean and?” I said, a little surprised.
“A lot of people smoke, Dami, a lot of people are messy and sleep late. I don’t get what the deal is.”
“... It’s more than that.”
“Then what is it?” She sounded frustrated. “A lot, okay? He was shitty in high school. Everybody hated him when I didn’t, and he took advantage of that. So we don’t talk. He’s lucky he’s related to me and gets to stay in my freaking house.” I sounded angry, I took a moment to realize what I said and correct my tone and emotions. “... Sorry. Didn’t mean to curse.” I sighed with shame. “I don’t care about cursing. You know that.” She sounded tired, she always said this whenever I apologized for talking ill. “That sounds rough, listen, I’m uh. I’m sorry for pushing. It was just so annoying never being able to come to your place because of this thing you had with your brother. Why do you even let him stay if he’s such a chore?”
“Well, he’s my brother. He doesn’t bother me, he does his own thing, and he helps me pay rent and utilities, not like I really need him to, but I don’t exactly feel like letting him sit at my place without proving to me he won’t screw up.”
“I guess he is pretty lucky, then. He sounds like he needs the structure.”
“He needs more than structure.” I muttered. “Huh? Sorry I didn’t hear you.”
“Ah, nothing, sorry. Hey, listen I need to go. I just got home and I need to call my parents.”
“Wait, you still fucking talk to them?? Why??”
“Because honor thy parents.” I said flatly and hung up.
I exited the car, grabbed my clothing from the back, and entered the building. I entered the elevator, thinking a bit about that interaction, but shrugged it off. I made it to my apartment, unlocking it and entering, noticing on the couch a familiar man sitting on it with his head in his hands. He was clearly startled by my entrance, and looked up, glaring at me. I stared back at him, slightly confused, what the heck is his deal? Such a strange man. “I just got home from the gym, I’m calling our parents and then taking a shower.” I sighed. “You should really call them too, you know. They created you.” I said with slight annoyance. He hated our parents, because of course he did. “Fuck off.” He growled at me. Huh. Strange. Usually he wasn’t ever this aggressive. I made eye contact with him, checking his pupils, they were normal.. No signs of drug abuse. He didn’t seem drunk, either. He looked directly at me with this… odd hatred. I blinked and just walked away, I wasn’t dealing with his drama today.
I made it to my room, putting down my clothes and pulling out my phone, scrolling for a long while in my contacts to my parents landline. I gave it a ring, and heard them pick it up. “Evening, mom and dad.” I said cheerfully. “A little late.” I heard my dad say, with mild frustration in his voice. I looked at the clock, he was right. I was a few minutes past 1PM. I blinked, staring at the floor with shame. I felt my lips move, and heard their voices and mine, but admittedly I suddenly felt paused. Like I was on autopilot. Then suddenly. “I love you both, I’ll be sure to call on time next Saturday.” Came out of my mouth, what? Over? Already? I don’t remember anything I said or they said? Why does this always happen?
“We love you too, stay golden.” Said my mom. Odd. I shook it off. This always happens when I speak to them, maybe it's normal. I went over to my desk, and pulled out my laptop to deal with that essay, I logged in and pulled up the assignment, and started typing away. It must’ve been 30 minutes, maybe an hour. I looked at the clock, 2PM, it had been an hour. I felt restless. I scratched my neck a bit, more and more as I wrote, until eventually it was unbearable. I saved, closed out, and turned off my laptop. I leaned back in my chair and sighed, I knew what I needed.
I got up, and went into my nightstand drawer, grasping a large razor in my hand and closing the drawer. I walked over towards the full body mirror in the corner of my room and gave myself a cold stare. My reflection stared back at me, giving me a sleazy smirk-like grin. His eyes half lidded looking at me. He knew what he wanted, and so did I. I got down on my knees, and turned my wrist upward. My chest pounded. I hated this. I was fine, it healed, but I hated it. I grit my teeth and pushed the metal into my wrist, sliding it down in one swift motion to the inner elbow joint area. I let the blood pour out onto the floor in front of my reflection, crying softly and holding my breath, I put my hand on the mirror and the other over my mouth to muffle my voice. I heard my reflection laugh despite not having any kind of a voice.
I saw my blood light up, and disappear. The wound freshly opened closed quickly, and my reflection wrote on the mirror I was continuously pure. I sighed in relief. Good. My parents must be proud.
I stood up, shaking violently, I wiped away the snot and tears on my face and covered the mirror with a bedsheet, and pulled out my phone, scrolling to more recent contacts, and ringing someone up. “Hey, man. I just finished up school stuff for today. You wanna go clubbing like you asked last week?” I said. “Fuck yeah I do, about time.” A man said over the phone, a man named Daniel. “Sweet, what time?” He was silent for a moment before speaking, “Midnight, you can stay out late, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Sweet.” He hung up.
I held back a grin.
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