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A sigh left my lips, I was looking around nervously and holding my arms close to my chest. I don’t really know why I accepted my friends’ invitation to go out and party tonight, I had never gone to any kind of party before this, and unsurprising to me my friends had gotten drunk and ditched me pretty early into the night. I was left alone with myself over near a table, this was a college party; a fancy one, at that. I was recently accepted into an entirely different college, but one of my friends wanted me to tag along with them to a party for a lot of the students who attended this much bigger and more exclusive kind of university. So naturally, the room around me was obnoxious quickly to me. There were a lot of people doing drugs, and overdrinking, it made me extremely nervous to the point I wouldn’t even drink water here; I didn’t want anyone slipping anything into my drinks.

I really wanted to leave right now, but unfortunately I’m the only sober person in our friend group which means I had to drive us all back; and outside of that, I didn’t want any of my dumb friends to get hurt.

I leaned against the wall, trying to ignore how overstimulated I felt. I felt extraordinarily dysphoric today and all the sweat and tight airspace wasn’t helping at all. I unfortunately still live with my parents, so I haven’t been able to dress in any kind of way I liked, not even tonight. I kept being mistaken for a man all night; and it was killing me inside. I blinked a bit and had my eyes dart around a little, they ended up falling on this one large group of stupid white boys being incredibly loud towards the middle of the room. There was this tall, handsome looking blonde in the middle chugging an entire bottle of whisky while a bunch of other men chanted at him. I scoffed a bit, nobody here was all that special. You’d think all this behavior is exclusive to movies or books or whatever, but to my dismay this is really just how people are.

I thought to myself for a while, wondering how bad this man’s hangover would be later, until I noticed his outfit. He was, for some stupid reason, in a blue ironed button down and black slacks, his shoes were dress shoes as well, and he was wearing a black tie. Everyone else around him was wearing casual wear, so he stuck out pretty hard; especially considering the fact his suit jacket was around his waist like it was just flannel or something. He looked like a goddamn model, his hair was bright yellow, like gold, his features and skin were basically perfect, and his eyes were bright greenish blue, like some kind of vacation ocean.

He tossed the Jack Daniels far across the room and put his fists in the air, eliciting a cheer. I chuckled a little, he was pretty cute admittedly. I watched him stumble a little and almost dance his way out of his little friend circle. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize he was coming in my direction, probably to the table for water or something.

I blinked, he was eventually bent over at the table pouring himself a cup of soda water, he then looked up and his eyes landed in mine, and he started staring at me for an uncomfortable amount of time.

“Uhm, hi?” I said awkwardly, not really sure what he wanted or why he was giving me that look.
“Are you a woman?” He asked bluntly, he was shockingly good at hiding the drunkenness in his voice but it was still pretty obvious.
“Yes? Why?” I blinked, trying to be casual about this, but it was a huge deal to me. Someone tonight actually recognized I’m not a man; even though I wasn’t attempting to pass tonight, he still recognized I’m not a man. I felt mildly euphoric because of this, but it didn’t take long for my brain to bash it down and make it seem like it was just because he was drunk.

“Oh, nothing, I just think you’re gorgeous.” He said casually.

I was taken aback immensely. Did he actually mean that??

“Uhm- uh, thank you. A lot. Uh, you’re very handsome yourself.” I struggled to respond, but managed.

“What’s your name?” He said, leaning on the table a bit, making eye contact with me.

“Re- uh. Kasey. Kasey Farin.” I said nervously, facepalming internally.

“Huh.. Kasey, that’s not a bad name whatsoever, mine is Damien Rivers.” He said with a small smile.

“Damien Rivers?? That’s an incredible name.” I said with a bit of enthusiasm.
“Thanks, hey how did you get here anyway? You don’t exactly look like the type to be in a place like this.” He broke eye contact with me to drink from his water.

“Oh, uh, some friends invited me out. I was actually gonna leave, but I can’t really do that.”
“Why?” He asked.
“Designated driver.” I sighed, grumbling a bit.
“Mmmm, When do you think you’re going to leave?” He said, having a sort of gleam in his eye, I could tell he wanted something.
“Uh.. I don’t know. I hope within the next three hours.” I shrugged awkwardly.
“Well, would you wanna ditch this place with me for an hour or so?”

I stared at him for a little.

“Dude, I just met you.” I said sternly.
He gave me a confused look.
“Uh, usually people don’t just leave with random strangers at parties. It’s usually pretty damn dangerous??” I blinked, did he not know that? Was he stupid?
“Huh, weird, I always do that personally; though I’ve never asked someone else to do that.” He shrugged, taking another sip of his drink while standing next to me.
“That’s really not smart of you, man, you could get kidnapped or killed.” This guy seemed a little dumb- no, not dumb, ignorant. Has nobody ever told him these things??
“Where would you even want to take me??” I said with genuine confusion, though admittedly mild curiosity.

“Oh, just the abandoned church down the road.” He gave a small shrug, saying that completely nonchalantly.
“I’m sorry what.” I blinked, staring at him with a blank expression.
“Yeah, there’s this abandoned church down the road; I go there all the time for quiet, I have since I moved here.” He took another sip.
“Moved here? Where are you from?” I hesitantly asked, in all honesty this guy was creeping me out a little.

“Oh, Curchen, Wisconsin. A small little town nobody’s ever heard of, apparently. It’s not even on maps; is exploring abandoned buildings not a normal pass time to you?” He asked, seeming genuine in that question.
“Uh, no, usually that’s illegal or could get you injured- wait you’re from Wisconsin?” I felt a little more relieved, that explained a lot actually.

“Yeah, Wisconsin, what about you?”
“Uh, Ohio, but I moved here more recently. I’ve never actually seen an abandoned church anywhere around here.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to check it out?” He gave a small grin.
“Uhh. I don’t know. How do I know you’re not going to kill me or worse, I mean, I am a woman.”
“Oh, uh, I don’t actually know. I’ve never really done any of this before.” He shrugged.

We sat in silence for a while.

“Why do you want me to hang out with you?” I finally asked.
“I’m not sure, I just felt drawn to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, really, it’s a feeling I can’t describe.” He said, followed by a sigh.
I looked at him for a bit, unsatisfied.
“...You just seemed interesting, like I could experience California as a whole through you.” He shrugged.
I stared into his pair of emerald peepers for a while, shrugging back. “Good enough I guess.”
“Hm?” He perked up.
“I’m not going into an abandoned church with you, but I’ll give you my number. I guess it can’t really hurt to get to know you better.” I said a little hesitantly, scratching the back of my neck.
“Your number? Hm, sure, why not.” He blinked, smiling while he pulled out his phone, “perhaps we could go for lunch or something sometime; something less… noisy.” He said the last part with a bit of contempt in his voice, his face twisting slightly into a small scowl, I ignored it.
“What, like… some kind of date??” I blurted out, I was a little surprised at first so the words kind of just came out of my mouth; then embarrassment hit me a little, but I stuffed it down for now.
“A date? Mmm, if you want to label it that.” He gave me a dry dramatic shrug, along with a grin.
I looked around a bit nervously, unsure of what to really say or do in response to that. Go on a date? I’ve never been on one before, and I just met this man. A man I met at a gross party who’s first weird instinct was to invite me to an abandoned church in the middle of the night. For all I know, he could be some sort of killer or rapist; and nothing he’s said so far has particularly disproven that.. Why did I even offer him my number??

“Listen, you make me kind of nervous if I’m being honest, I just met you and the whole church thing was pretty creepy I’m not gonna lie.” I said sternly, his grin faded quickly, giving me his attention.

“But, I don’t know, I guess I like risks sometimes. I’m fine meeting up with you somewhere as long as I get to pick the location and I take us there.” I sighed, picking at a bracelet on my arm while trying my best to make eye contact with him.

“Whatever makes you comfortable, I could care less as long as you don’t feel endangered.” He sounded pretty honest in that response.

It didn’t take long for his buddies to call over to him again, he turned his head in their direction with a bit of cringe on his face. He yelled out “I’ll be over there in a minute” to them and turned his attention back over to me, softening his expression.

“Oh yeah, right, well uhm. Here.” I rushed to find a napkin and looked for a pen on me, until Damien just handed me his. It was relatively superficial to me, it looked fancy and high quality, and thus expensive, which is a bit ridiculous to carry around an expensive looking pen in your shirt pocket.. At least to me. I took it carefully from his light grip and scribbled my number from memory onto the napkin, then handed him both the writing utensil and the napkin.

“See you elsewhere.” He signaled a goodbye salute, turning around on his heel a little drunkenly and walked back over to the obnoxious crowd.

“You too.” I muttered.

For the rest of the night, I stood around and kept to myself for the most part, patiently waiting to collect my friends while reflecting on that strange interaction; even while driving each and every friend of mine home, I still wondered about it all, then in the shower, then in bed. He was a cute guy, to my dismay, but knowing his crowd type he isn’t going to accept me by any means for my gender identity. The chances of it are pretty slim, if that “date” somehow goes well.. Hypothetically thinking it’ll even happen.. I’ll have to tell him just for my peace of mind.

——————————————————————————————

To my surprise, he actually did reach out to me shortly after we met. We had spoken a lot through text for a good while, actually, and through calls. I found myself reaching out to him during my route to work from time to time, and we even met up a few times for coffee or lunch; but neither of us really considered it dates. From the looks of it, we’re just friends. He’s a lot more quiet and attentive as well compared to our first meet, so I’m guessing the alcohol is what gave him the bloated nuts to ask me out to start with. While sober, he was a very particular man, very calm as well. He had a few weird quirks but they didn’t bug me. For starters, he was horrendously afraid of germs, grime, and even dust. He was always carrying various disinfectants and wipes. He was also very religious, but didn’t really seem bigoted or anything; he was just almost downright paranoid of Christ.

A few months in and I had started to invite him over, sometimes we’d do schoolwork together, or watch movies, at points he even slept over. I had asked about going to his place from time to time, but he apparently had a brother who he was pretty embarrassed of who lived with him; his name was Mikey and they apparently had a huge falling out in high school… something about drugs? It was around 3 AM when he told me the whole situation, so in all honesty I hardly retained it, I just learned not to ask about being in his apartment.

Another thing I quickly noticed about Damien, though, was his stuffed pockets. He was completely loaded; he always insisted on treating me to any lunches we had, his damn car was painfully expensive, and a lot of his fashion was too. He was only 20, so I guess his family must’ve been loaded somehow; which was weird, but ultimately not my business. It was odd.. Despite how much of a weird rich white stereotype he seemed, he was one of the most intelligent people I’ve met, really, and was incredibly kind, and it didn’t ever really feel fake to me.

…I almost hated it.

The more I’ve grown close to him, the more this infatuation I had with him grew. Honestly, his personality was electric but well maintained, he was smart, mature, kind, and… well, he was attractive. I didn’t like catching genuine feelings for him, because despite everything I still feel dread in my stomach. He still, after 5 months, doesn’t know I’m transgender and not a cis-woman. I’ve never even brought up the topic of trans people with him, and even then he never gave any signs or indicators he was into me besides the one night he was drunk. I figured it was ignorable, until it wasn’t. I started feeling sick at times, to a point I realized I don’t exactly have a choice in coming clean or not if I want to keep this guy in my life.

So I invited him out to the park tonight, it would be a nice quiet and calm area to talk with him about everything, I figured it’d be a great idea really.

I waited over on a green, metal bench that had the sidewalk sitting in front of it. There was a long, tall black street lamp brightly glowing a soft yellow on the surrounding area, including onto me; there were hundreds of trees around this area, but everything was well lit regardless. This place wasn’t a national park or anything, it was a large yet local park with buildings and somewhere a playground for kids. It was very big though, and made a great place to just walk around and talk with someone.

He eventually walked into view, right on time as always, it was extremely impressive how this guy managed to never be late to anything despite the fact we live in the busy city, a place known for turning 15 minute drives into 2 hours.

“Kasey, hello there.” He waved, smiling as he came next to me and I stood up.
“Hey, it’s been a little.” I smiled.
“About 3 days, yeah.” He chuckled, following my side as I started walking down the pavement trail with him.
“So uh, how have you been?” I asked nervously, I knew I needed to slow burn a bit, but not stall.
“I’ve been doing well, doing my usual routine, what about you?” He was looking up a little towards the sky before making eye contact with me, awaiting my response.
“I’ve been alright, but uhm, I needed to talk to you about something.”
“What is it?” He said calmly, looking at me patiently.
“I have been… uhm, admittedly very nervous to tell you this, but uh.” I paused for a little, scratching the back of my head and breaking eye contact with him, “Uhm.”

“What’s wrong?”

“... Is it alright if I just tell you later?” I sighed, I didn’t feel ready, and I didn’t exactly want to force it out, not yet. I know tonight I have to tell him; but now just isn’t the right time.
“I mean, sure, of course.” He looked at me with a puzzled expression, but luckily didn't seem too bothered by any of it.
“Thank you, I’m sorry.” I fidgeted with my fingers anxiously, but he then gently took one of my hands
and interlocked his fingers with mine, looking at me and then gave a small smile.
“No need to apologize.” His voice was pretty soothing, it did help me calm down a little bit.

For a while, we walked down the trail in silence enjoying one another’s company; it felt nice but I also felt very awkward, the silence was starting to become overbearing to me. I decided I needed to at least pick up conversation again with him - I didn’t really want this meet up to just be a confession, anyway. I sighed and looked over at him, opening my mouth to figure out something to say but nothing really came out.

Damien eventually noticed I was looking at him, and he turned to me while we were still walking, “Is everything alright?” He asked, multitasking between making eye contact with me and paying attention to where we were going.

“Well, I want to talk to you but I’m not really sure what to talk to you about.” I said bluntly.
“Ah, hmm,” He stood there for a while to think, before opening his mouth to speak again, “how has church been?”
“Church?? Uh, well,” I sighed. “I actually stopped going recently.”
“You stopped going?? Why??” He seemed a little frazzled by this information, which made me a little nervous to elaborate.
“It’s just… it’s complicated. I don’t think I should get into it.”
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I’m not one to judge.” I felt a lot more reassured by that, I already somewhat knew that Damien wouldn’t judge me really, but I always felt nervous to tell him I just don’t believe in God like I used to; especially since he’s very devoted to his religion.

“Well…” I started, I was looking at him while also trying my best to keep focus on the road in front of me so I didn't walk into anything.
“I just.. I lost my faith, that's all really.”
“You lost your faith? How does one lose their faith?” Damien asked me, sounding highly confused.
“I don’t really know, I just slowly stopped believing… I guess.”
He stared at me for a while, completely unsure how to even react it seemed like.
“Are you okay?” I asked nervously.
“I am, I just have no clue how to wrap my head around the thought.”
“The thought of what-?”
“Not believing in God, especially if you already came to be doing so.” He said bluntly.
“I’ve always wanted to, I still do, but I just.. Can’t. None of it feels right to me anymore compared to when I was a kid, hell, compared to when I was a teen even.”
“Hm. Sorry, I still can’t seem to get it.”
“It’s fine, Damien, you don’t have to understand.”
We continued walking in silence down the trail, I still felt pretty awkward – I still didn’t know when would be a good time to tell him the truth, and I felt pretty overwhelmed over the fact I had nothing worthwhile to say before I confessed.
“Hey, we’re actually quite close to that abandoned church I told you about when we first met.” Damien suddenly piped up, and I looked around - he wasn’t wrong, the abandoned church would be somewhere around the corner from where we are now.
“Oh, yeah, you’re right.” I responded.
“Would you ever want to check it out with me?” He looked at me when he asked this, almost pleading a little.
I sat there for a while and thought about it – I of course now know he’s no one dangerous, and I know he’s been in that church quite a few times, but I still find the idea pretty unnerving.
“How many times have you gone in there? Is it really safe?” I finally said.
“It is, I’ve been going there since I’ve moved here and I’ve never had any issue.” He smiled.
“Mmm.. fine what the hell-” I said hesitantly, his face lit up with joy.
“I know where it is, I can lead us to it!”
“Yeah, sure.” I gave him a small smile, and he started leading the way while holding my hand tightly.
We walked together towards the dark foreboding shape; there were no lights near or around the building, just the vague shape of something that was once holy but purely sinister. It was completely gated in by a chain link fence, and a big “No Trespassing” sign plastered onto the fence. I blinked a bit, becoming increasingly nervous until we stopped at the fence.
“Wait, isn’t this illegal??” I said with concern, I never once thought Damien would be the type to trespass and break the law.
“It is, but it doesn’t exactly matter.” He shrugged, chuckling a bit, “however if that bothers you we don’t have to do this by any means, of course. I’d understand.”
I stared at him, and looked around. I scratched the back of my neck nervously and let out a deep sigh.
“Let’s do it.”
He grinned, and beckoned me to the fence, where he inserted his feet onto the gaps and his hands, and started to hoist himself up to climb over; eventually jumping down onto the other end gracefully.
I tried doing the same - I put my feet into the fence and held onto it with my hands, and slowly climbed it before going over the top to climb down to where Damien was. I dropped down when I was a bit closer to the ground, but nearly fell, luckily Damien managed to catch me and stabilize me.
“Are you alright?” He asked.
“Yeah, sorry uh, I’m not a climber.” I chuckled a little, and he chuckled back.
“There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Right, yeah, let’s get inside.. Sorry, just nervous about getting caught and stuff.” I said quietly while looking around for any trouble. He nodded and took my hand again gently, leading me inside the dark building. I immediately felt extremely disturbed, it was so dark and the entire place was in absolute shambles from the little I could even see; it also smelled awful, like damp dust, I ended up sneezing a few times due to it. Damien clearly took notice of that and looked my way.
“Ah, sorry, this place is very old.” He let out a small laugh.
“Yeah, I can see that.” I responded sarcastically, then suddenly there was a bright flash and buzzing noise; lights were illuminating the haunted place. I looked around to figure out where they suddenly had come from thanks to them spooking me pretty badly and made me think for a few moments it was a cop or some other dangerous thing. I then saw Damien over in another part of the room next to a large light switch.
“The lights still work in here??” I said, completely surprised at the thought.
“For some reason, yeah they do.” He cheerfully responded.
I walked over to where he was hesitantly, I was completely tensed up while I walked over quickly. Damien then held out his hand, I took it and followed him as he took me down the pathway all the way to the front. He then let go of my hand and used a handkerchief from his pocket to dust off one of the front row seats of the church; he then hesitantly sat down and looked up at me, eyes pleading I sit with him, so I did.
I plopped down next to him and looked around, the dust particles were visibly floating in the air thanks to the bright lights illuminating them.
I yawned, and then stretched, it was getting very late by now and I was getting very tired. I then felt something leaning on me, I looked over next to me and saw Damien’s head on my shoulder, he was pointing at the stained glass on the wall in the center of the building.
“It looks prettier in the day without the lights.” He muttered.
“Maybe we could come back in the morning some time.”
“Mm.. yeah.” He sighed.
I felt his hand brush onto mine, he ended up leaving it there as he scooted closer to me.

“Do you care for love?”

I blinked a little, then looked at him. “What do you mean?”
“Would you ever date?” He asked bluntly.
I sat there in silence for a while.
“I don’t know.” I responded with as much honesty as I could muster.
“I think you’re neat, you know.”
“Are you asking me out?” I was surprised at the sudden shift in mood.
He sat there quietly.
“Damien?”
“I guess I am, yes.” He finally responded.
I looked at him, and he looked back up at me, I sighed shakily and held my arms to my chest.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Damien asked.
“No it’s just… Damien. I’m not.” I gripped my sleeves a bit tighter. “I’m not cis.”
“Cis?” He seemed confused.
“I’m transgender. I was born male.” My heart rate spiked as I confessed this, I could barely look him in the eye.
“But you aren’t male.”
“I’m not, no.”
“So why should this matter to me?”
“Because I never told you a huge thing about me??” I was confused, I expected a more harsh or surprised reaction.
“The Bible never said I can’t fall in love with a transgender person.” He said bluntly.

“What if it did?”
“Then I could never love you.”

We sat in silence.

“It’s nearly 2AM.” I finally broke the silence.
“… That’s true.”
I looked over at him, he seemed to be gripping his pants with a shocking amount of intensity.
“We should really leave, Damien.”
“Right.” He said flatly.

With that, we both got up and made our way to the light switch, shutting the lights off and exiting the church; we soon jumped the fence and walked back down the path from which we came in complete awkward silence.
I crawled into bed that night staring blankly at my ceiling, thinking over and over again what Damien told me until I was too tired to even understand my own thoughts, eventually drifting off.

It had been a week since I heard from him. I texted him once or twice during the week but he never responded, he never even checked his phone. I was worried about him, obviously, but I didn’t feel comfortable bothering him for a third time; it just felt wrong.
I was driving down towards my house, it was late in the evening and I had just gotten off of work. Every day now whenever I take this route I’ve noticed that abandoned church sitting still amongst the other buildings, and it always reminds me of him. This time, however, as I drove around it I saw a car parked. It was a Lincoln.

I quickly found somewhere to pull over, I turned off my car and walked over to the vehicle - it was his, this car belonged to Damien. He was inside of the church.
I stood in front of the fence quietly contemplating if I should enter or not, before ultimately deciding to jump it quickly before I changed my mind.
I looked around before I put my feet on the chained links and slowly climbed upward and jumped down, quickly scuttling into the building, as I opened the door dust immediately flew in my face and it made me sneeze. I rubbed my eyes and slowly walked in, the lights were off but the setting sun peeked through the glass and holes of the building, I looked around and saw the stained glass shining bright with the sun passing through it. It was jaw-droppingly beautiful. I admired it for a while, walking towards it to see it better. It was the only part of this entire church that was pristine, besides dust.
I then looked down and saw a blonde man on his knees praying desperately, it took me a few moments to recognize him, it was Damien.
I walked over slowly to him and crouched down, he had his eyes slammed shut flowing with leaking tears sliding down his cheeks while he quietly muttered prayers.
I held the back of my neck awkwardly, I wanted to notify him of my presence but I didn’t really want to interrupt his prayers. He then opened his eyes, blinking a little, and turned his head to me.
“Kasey?” He said, his face turning into a shocked expression.
“Damien, I’m sorry to sneak up on you like that- I saw your car was parked here while I was driving home.” I said nervously.
“Ah, I see.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m trying to expound my sins.” He said, his voice shaking.
“Sins?? What sins?”
“… Flirting with you.” He looked down a bit in shame.
“What’s wrong with flirting with me? Is it because I’m not cis?”
“No, it’s me flirting with anyone. I’m not supposed to fall in love.” He confessed.
I got down onto my knees next to him, making eye contact with him “Why not?”
“I’ve never felt this way, I don’t believe a feeling this good could ever be pure- It has to be Devil temptation.” He said frantically.
“Almost everyone falls in love, it doesn’t mean it’s the devil. Feeling good isn’t evil??”
“I was taught that it was.”
“Well it isn’t. That’s not true, you’re allowed to like people, you’re allowed to love, Damien.”
He sat there silently, shaking as he breathed in and out.
“I don’t want to go to Hell.”
“You won’t go to Hell, Damien, I promise.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“I was once Christian, and my family always encouraged me to find love.”
“They did?”
“Yes, they did, Damien.”
He made eye contact with me.
“Does love make you feel good?” He asked.
“I.. I. don’t know.”
He looked away a little.
“But,” I sighed, hesitating, he looked back up at me.
“Identifying as a woman makes me feel so, so good. I'm so happy. My family shunned me for it, for being trans, but I don’t care. Do you think I’m gonna go to Hell for that? For being happy?”
He stared at me blankly.
“Damien?”
“No, I couldn’t imagine you ever going to Hell.”
I blinked a little.
“You’re too perfect, that’s why I worry.” He confessed.
“I’m far from perfect, Damien, I always thought between the both of us you were the perfect one.”
“What?”
“You’re an amazing man, and I do feel love towards you. I was just too scared to admit that until I told you I’m trans, and even then I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“I was afraid I’d ruin our friendship.”

He suddenly wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight, I was frozen in surprise for a few seconds, before hugging him back.

“I love you, Kasey. I want to be a part of your life past just friendship.”
“I.. I want that too but I don’t know how to love.”
“Neither do I.”
He held my cheeks and looked into my eyes.

“Could we teach each other a dance none of us know?”
I stared at him quietly.
“I think so, if we dance slowly.”
He then leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, it felt extremely sudden to me even though I watched him do it right in front of my eyes. I felt my breath get a bit shallow until I just accepted it, and kissed him back.

I was afraid, this was so fast, but this is what I’ve always wanted, right?

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