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I felt my fingers tap impatiently on the wheel of the vehicle. I was awaiting a call from Daniel parked in my car, I sighed and adjusted myself in my seat. That man had a bad habit of being late, and a worse habit of never announcing his arrival, or announcing it in the most obnoxious way imaginable. I wasn’t sure what drove me to bring myself out here, in all honesty.
I’ve never gone clubbing before, let alone a night club, I had never wanted to before. I wasn’t sure why I decided tonight would be the night I tried, this sort of thing feels like an extremely blasphemous sin, and yet I feel… nothing. I feel neutral.
A ring from my cell broke through my thought, finally, it was Daniel.
“Where are you? I’ve been waiting in the lot for a good 15 minutes.”
“Yo, hey Dami, sorry for the wait I was off doing some other shit, but I’m here now. At the entrance n’ all.” He sounded a bit drunk, maybe buzzed.
“Right, I’ll be there shortly.” I sighed, hanging up my phone and turning off the car. I had grabbed my keys, phone, and wallet, before exiting the vehicle and locking it. I had placed my things into the pockets of a dark, navy blue wool trench coat, and made my way towards the entrance of the building. I looked above at it, it was a box of a building, a big neon illuminated sign popping with bright, saturated lime green and hot pink. It said the name of the place, “Alternative Gravity.” An odd name, for sure. I made my way toward the line, scanning the faces with a neutral expression before my eyes landed on Daniel and his group of idiots. I made my way towards them, and stood by them, keeping my hands in my pockets and sighing.
“Hey, man, you’re a little late.” Daniel said with a slight laugh.
I humored him with a chuckle in response, but in reality I was already regretting my decision to come here. This guy next to me wasn’t any brighter than the color of my coat, and his friends were worse off, clearly. I’m going to catch a cold around these people. Maybe I can try excusing myself to leave early sometime later. When they’re too drunk to even notice or care.
“Hey, aren’t you that one guy?” One of his friends had asked me.
“Oh? Could you be a little more specific?” Moron.
“You’re that one guy everybody seems to be buddies with on campus, arentcha?” He smelled like alcohol.
“Yes, I am, what of it?”
“Just didn’t expect someone like you to go clubbing.” He said, with a slight shrug.
“I’ve never been, so I suppose you’re right.”
He snickered a little, giving me a big, drunk grin.
“You’re in for a ride, man.”
We eventually made it towards the front of the line, all of us pulling out our IDs. Despite the fact I already had mine ready to present to the bouncer, everyone else had to go shuffling in their pockets, then find their IDs, then pull it out and show them. One of them had forgotten their license at home, and decided to drive back themselves and catch up with the rest of us later.
Ugh.
We entered, and immediately I was met with an unsavory sight… stripping. I was inside of a strip club. I guess one of his friends had noticed my discomfort, since he made an almost mocking face and spoke.
“Not used to seeing women?” Daniel elbowed him pretty hard.
“Ignore ‘em, he’s a dumbass with women.” Said Daniel.
I stayed quiet, and seated myself with the rest of them at the bar. I looked around, and saw all types of idiot drunkards and horny individuals. I passed on the drinks and could feel myself go a bit pale. I felt sick. I wonder if my brother would be into a godless place like this.
I continued to look around, and my eyes landed on two males seated together with drinks, one of them had pulled in the other for a kiss directly on the lips. It appeared to be very passionate, they were smiling, they seemed a bit drunk, however not horny. It confused me. I don’t understand how men could kiss men. Love men. Touch men. Have sex with them, and not feel… filthy. Like God himself was choking you with the sewers of Hell.
I felt my face become a little hot, I put my knees together and looked away. I felt a confusing mixture of envy and arousal. Men. Men and Women. They weren’t much different, I mean one can become the other, so I’m unsure what the sin even is. Why would God hate homosexuals?
…
I anxiously gripped a napkin, I was thinking too hard again. I released a sigh, feeling my knee bounce and my stomach churn. I really needed to leave this place, it’s encouraging sin in me. I gripped my chest, breathing from my mouth. The next test to identify my sin purity is going to leave me bloodied and injured. If I don’t. Leave this fucking.
A tap on my shoulder, I looked to find the source of it.
What?
“Kasey??” I said, very very surprised.
“Damien! Here come with me real quick, yeah?” She said, calmly, holding out her hand toward me.
I looked around, a little anxious, before realizing everyone else was far too drunk to notice, and Daniel was missing, I sighed and took her hand, she held it and started power walking. I was pulled to my feet quickly, and stumbled a little, making an effort to match her speed out towards the back of the building.
“Are we allowed to go back here?? It seems like a place only the staff can enter-”
“Don’t worry about it.” She said, I wasn’t exactly reassured, but I kept quiet.
She opened the door, walking out with me. It was cold, most likely around 50 degrees. I was lucky I came dressed in a coat, I looked around a bit, it was quiet and relatively dark besides one light above us, illuminating the entire area quite well.
I noticed she had sat down, she was looking at me and patted the floor, signaling for me to sit next to her. I gave her a funny look.
“I don’t exactly want to get my clothes wrinkled or dirty…”
“Damien, for Christ sake.” She said, a bit exasperated.
I sighed and carefully took my seat next to her, holding my arms tightly to my chest and looking at her a bit. She was dressed well, she had a dark muted green turtleneck on with a cropped black denim jacket, it had distressing and rips on it. She was also wearing black high top platforms, knee length dark blue denim jean shorts, and ripped fishnets on the legs. I noticed she was wearing her motorcycle gloves as well.
“Your breathing calmed down.” She said, seeming a little relieved.
“Huh? What? What do you mean-?”
“I noticed you were having some kind of panic attack, or at least about to have one, that’s why I brought you here. Are you alright? I could maybe go back in and try to get you some water.”
“Oh, no. I’m okay, thank you. I’m uh. I just.”
“I never once expected to see you at a nightclub.” She said, seeming a little hesitant.
I was silent for a while.
“I’m not entirely sure why I came, to be honest. I think I regret it.”
“Think?” She sounded a bit confused.
“I’m not entirely sure.”
“Hm, were you just restless maybe?” She looked at me, reaching her arm out hesitantly, before I looked at her. She then put her arm around me.
It was quiet. I felt… nice. This was a welcome touch and interaction, but my stomach still bubbled, my veins were still on fire. A feeling I only ever got during Church.
“I feel so dirty. Filthy.” I confessed, putting my head in my hands.
“What? Why- oh.” It didn’t take her very long to realize what I was on about.
“Damien, listen I uh… I don’t exactly like strip clubs. Night clubs, though, I love. Life is hard, dude, there’s nothing bad about enjoying it.”
“But what about the afterlife? How can I enjoy life when eternity isn’t that far away? Being alive is just God’s judgement. I can’t stray away from the pathway to Heaven…”
“Damien…” She started, sounding genuinely stumped on how to respond to that.
She sighed, “Dami, listen, nowhere in The Bible does it say you can’t go to a club, night or strip. It doesn’t say you can’t drink, smoke, or have sex. It doesn’t say you can’t have fun.”
“But my parents-”
“Damien you’re 21 years old, besides your parents didn’t write the fucking bible.” She interrupted me.
“...The Bible does say those things, though.”
“No it does not. I grew up Christian, I’d know.” She grumbled.
“I’ve seen it myself.” I said, getting a little annoyed.
She made eye contact with me, and scratched the back of her head to neck a bit.
“...Where.” She finally said with a sigh.
I looked down at the floor for a little bit, I had my hands holding one another, fingers locked.
“Where I grew up. Everyone in my town, including my parents, told me these things. So did my Church, I saw it in the book itself.”
“... And what about your current church?” She looked strangely… concerned, for whatever reason.
“Current Church? I don’t have one, I only ever went to one in my town.”
“What?? But you always said you needed to go to church every Saturday AND Sunday since we met??”
“Well, yes, I have to call my parents every Saturday and Sunday and do a ritual in my mirror, it's the equivalent of going in person.”
She glared daggers at me, looking incredibly pissed, before her face softened with some sort of realization. Did she assume I was lying?
“You’re not kidding.”
“Why the heck would I joke?”
“What ritual? What the hell were you doing?”
I blinked, then froze a bit, looking down at my shoes.
“I’m not allowed to speak of it.”
“Yes you ARE, you’re a goddamn adult Damien your fucking parents don’t even live here!!” She yelled
She suddenly calmed a bit.
“... Sorry. I didn’t expect you to start shaking.” She sighed.
Shaking? I looked down at my hands, indeed I was. I was trembling like a leaf.
I made eye contact with her again, and shakily sighed.
“You have to understand how ridiculous this sounds though, right? I mean, letting your religious beliefs dominate every little detail of your life? Your parents control you from thousands of miles away? Come on, man. How are you so smart and so… so stupid.”
“... That’s just been my life since the day I was born. I’m expected to go home as soon as I graduate.” I said hesitantly.
“What?! And you’re seriously just gonna fucking do that?? You’re just going to leave everybody and everything you’ve worked for to go back to your parents just because they told you to?!” She practically growled at me.
I sat in silence.
“You actually have a future out here and anywhere else that isn’t with your parents, damnit! They abused you! They are abusive!!”
I sat in silence.
“Damien! Damn it, fuck. Listen. I’m just tired of losing people to stupid shit lately, okay? I can tell you don’t wanna go back there, and you shouldn’t. You would’ve basically wasted all your time here if you did that. And I. I just. I want my pal.” She said, calming down into a more depressive state.
I looked at her.
“If you knew the whole time you were leaving, why didn’t you even bother telling me once.”
…
“Do you even care about anything out here? Or is this all just religion? Was I just something to have to keep you company before you fucked off?”
“They didn’t know.”
“What?”
“They didn’t know I made friends. Let alone had a girlfriend. They don’t know you exist. My parents. They explicitly told me to never form any real bonds, or I’d go to Hell.” My face was hot, and wet. I blinked. I touched my cheek, my eyes burned as if I opened them in a pool. My nose was dripping too, tears. I was… crying. It’s been years since I’ve cried. Why was I sad?
She looked at me, and blinked a bit, looking down, she let out a shaky sigh.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I’m. Just too used to being used and thrown away.”
I looked at her, feeling a genuine sense of sympathy.
“Damien, I don’t think you’re a part of an actual religion.” She started very hesitantly.
I immediately felt my empathy leave my body. My face went entirely neutral.
“I think you’re in a cult, and I don’t. Mean that because of anything personal to me, I’m being so damn serious. This isn’t normal at all. I was Christian too, and this was never how it was. I knew so many Christians from and outside of my church and they werent…”
Her words faded into the back of my mind. I could no longer hear her.
“Damien? Are you listening?”
“I need to leave.”
I got up, everything was muffled, including her attempting to talk to me, touch me to get my attention, I just walked. I walked inside. I passed Daniel without so much of a glance. I walked out the door. She followed me the whole way.
“Why the fuck are you ignoring me?? Can’t you just fucking listen?! I’m trying to help you! Please!” She cried angrily at me.
I looked up at her, I was somehow already in my car by this point, I was light-headed.
“If I keep talking to you, I will go. to. Hell.”
…
And so I drove off.
______________________________________________________________________________
I stumbled through the doorway of my apartment, it was 4AM. I was so tired, but so awake. Everything was so unreal to me. I looked at my hands, nothing felt real around me, not even myself. Everything felt digitalized… fictional. Like the world around me was just a thought I was apart of, hopelessly. Maybe that’s what it means to be one of God’s creations. I’m just a thought. He thinks therefore I am.
Cold water on my face.
I blinked, shaking my head, looking in front of me seeing the source.
“You’re out late.”
It was Mikey, my brother. I looked at my wet shirt and stared at him for a hot second, spacing out, before nearly falling over.
I felt a strong grip catch me by the back and waist, hoisting me up and guiding me to the couch, he sat me down and sat next to me.
“... You’re acting drunk.”
That awakened me from this weird state, I looked at him and furrowed my brow slightly.
“I don’t drink, Mikey.”
For some reason, his tensed up body and facial expression eased up, he even sighed with relief.
“Damien, talk to me for once. What the hell happened. Why are you out so late?”
“I… I was clubbing. Went with some friends. Ran into a friend. Talked with her. Went home.” I said, staring at my hands.
“That’s it? Wait- you went clubbing??? You???” He sounded surprised, as expected.
“Yes, I didn’t like it so I left.”
“I can’t believe you even considered goin at all.”
“Yes, well, I just… I just did.” I sighed.
“Why do you look so fucked then? If you didn’t drink or do drugs or whatever.”
I looked up to make eye contact with him, and then noticed it all. His appearance was… unflattering. His eyebags were huge, his eyes were red and puffy, he was sitting rather hunched over, and he looked paler than usual.
“Uh… I’m sorry to derail you but are you sick?”
“Sick? No? Where’d that come from?”
What? How could someone not notice how sickly they look? What is wrong with him?
“Well, it's just that you look sickly.” I said a bit hesitantly.
“Oh.”
He paused for a bit, sighing.
“I don’t sleep much anymore.” He finally said.
“What? Don’t you take sleeping medication? That was supposed to fix you.”
“I’m off of it.” He said bluntly.
“Why?? You aren’t supposed to…” I groaned, unable to finish my sentence.
“I’m supposed to take care of you, damn it. Keep you out of trouble.” I said, frustrated.
He stared at me with a cold expression. I could just see behind his eyes he was thinking, I could see layers of hate, but they didn’t make it much through into his words.
“Yeah? Well, I’m an adult. Don’t baby me.”
“How am I supposed to drag you back home if you aren’t normal by the end of college.” I growled.
He slapped my arm, I looked at him with a glare.
“First of all, quit scratching your neck when you’re stressed.” He huffed.
“Second of all.”
He slapped me across the face, hard.
“I’m never going back to Wisconsin. So don’t you talk to me like I’m your fucking dog.”
I sat still in a bit of shock, before all of a sudden gripping my head. I started to hyperventilate. Chest pounding. Brother talking. Blood boiling. Static.
“Ohh I’m going to Hell. We’re both going to Hell, Mikey.”
“Nobody’s going to fucking Hell.”
“We’re gonna go to Hell.”
“We ain’t goin to Hell.”
Black.
Turn off the knob… perspective change, and here we are.
Lights, cameras, and action.
He knew well enough already I was no longer his beloved brother, he picks up quickly, it’s enticing. I forced this body to stand and push the boy before me down onto the coffee table. I had his neck right on the corner of said table and held it. I could apply a little pressure and watch the wood slide through his throat so very easily, I grinned, simply because he knew that. I saw it in his little face.
He worthlessly grabbed my wrist, glaring me down directly in the eyes. He thinks he’s so bold, thinks that because he doesn’t care he dies that there’s no reason to be afraid, I chuckled. I couldn’t help but just laugh.
“You’re a fun one but admittedly I think it's time I sent you below.” I sighed with pleasure.
“Go fuck yours-” I didn’t humor him enough to let him finish that sentence, and merely pushed him through the table, watching his neck split apart and the crimson spill all over, including out of his mouth. It was disgusting, but admittedly suited him better than life.
I stood upward, dusted my hands, and looked down at the corpse, wondering if I myself should sacrifice this one or have another subordinate do so, his blood is likely more valuable anyways considering he’s of the same descent as this body.
Huh? A chill? Oh.
You.
My smile dropped immediately. It turned into a nasty scowl.
The corpse didn’t take long to heal itself, standing upward and giving me a cold, cold glare. I could see it in real time reheating. A fire lit up inside this man. What a pain.
So that’s why they named this heretic Michael.
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